I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
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How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.