I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
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I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.