The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK