after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
