Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
