I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
