A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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