careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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