I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
