I met the friendliest cop last night
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
