yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
