You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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