first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
