I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
