new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i would punch a child for taco bell
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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