I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
