a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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