I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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