we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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