Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
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I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
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He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.