her vagine was all disorganized.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
