Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
