Already got asked if we're dating
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
