ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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