Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
