My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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