I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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