it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
