I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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