Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
