I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize