Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
