I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
