Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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