Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize
