Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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