Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
