That's intense
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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