I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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