I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I could make wine with my vomit
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
