He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
