i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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