he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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