I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
