at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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