it was like having sex with a tree stump
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just had sex on a roof
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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