I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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