If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
