It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
