I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm too high and old for this...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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