2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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