Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
