____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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