we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
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Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
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Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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