I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
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I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
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I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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