I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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